Seriously Geeky Santa

Well, the bells are a jinglin’, the mince pies are lined up for me to demolish (oh, yes!) and you bet we have the Christmas Eve cheese board ready to rock whilst we watch those Christmas Chronicles movies back to back, just to see Kurt Russell be Santa!

So, to commemorate Christmas this year, the questions are in fact not from the ever lovely Heather of Just Geeking By. That’s right, you heard!

But she has been busy still, organizing a Secret Santa event for Seriously Geeky Sundays. See, today’s questions are from one of my lovely blogger friends and fellow SGS elves! Who will it be?

Well I don’t know… but they know me very well! Read on to find out…

Question 1 – Pick 6 (or more!) video game villains and rank them on the gaming tier system (S, A, B, C, D, F)

Hoooo boy, what a fun question to start on!

Okay, I’m going to go with, from worst to GOAT:

F: Seymour Guado (Final Fantasy X) – Words cannot describe how much I loathe this blue haired, smarmy voiced jerk! Of all the villains from the long running series, this is the guy I detest the most! Not even killing him shuts him up, he just denies death and comes waltzing back, obsessed with marrying Yuna, the creep! He also has an amazing aeon to call upon in battle, the mighty Anima, proper wasted on him!

D: Sephiroth (Final Fantasy VII) – Yeah, I know. Controversial. But come on, a genetically altered super soldier, the most famous warrior to ever live, and he is undone by… what? Seeing his mum’s name above a door, jumping to the wrong conclusion, going insane and er… trying to destroy the world. What a tool. Oh, and he dresses like an idiot too. Where’s your SOLDIER uniform, Sephiroth?

C: Irene Engel (Wolfenstein: The New Order & The New Colossus) – Take note, Seymour and Sephiroth, for this is what a truly vile villain should be like. Engel is a Nazi, a very, very unpleasant Nazi, in the dark alternate future of the most recent Wolfenstein games. She hates anything non-Aryan and has a massive chip on her shoulder for protagonist BJ Blazkowicz, probably because he’s a double-hard Jewish bloke built like a fortress who kills Nazis for fun.

B: Big Smile Lee (Sleeping Dogs) – Mr. Lee is a real piece of work, a triad boss capable of some very, very nasty stuff. Hong Kong police’s undercover agent Wei Shen really has his work cut out, taking on a monster like him. On the upside, he has a truly brilliant death!

A: Kefka (Final Fantasy VI) – Speaking of truly vile baddies, the General/clown/madman Kefka is up there with gaming’s most despicable. He poisons towns, genocides mystical species and, in an untoppable act of nastiness, brings on an apocalyptic event to make himself a literal god… and succeeds! Kefka is bloody evil… and that laugh noise! Ooh!

S: The Goose (Untitled Goose Game) – What would pure, unbridled chaos look like if it was condensed into bird form? This terrifying beast, that’s what. Behold, as an entire small English town is brought to its knees by a single waterfowl. It breaks, steals and sabotages all in its path, has no mercy on the weak, unprepared humans that stand in its path as it waddles to its ultimate goal: stealing the bell from the miniature village. Why, you ask? For the bloody fun of it!

Question 2 – Rankings can be objective. Pick a character from any movie/show/game that is often rated in S tier that you think should be tossed into F tier

Well as I recently blasted through all of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, let’s go with Faith.

Faith is the secondary slayer, brought into action by a rather weird set of circumstances at the end of series one. She’s just as fast and strong as Buffy, matches her on sass and…

Is a total asshole!

People often see Faith as the cool, sexy, evil slayer, willing to go to the lengths Buffy and her gang won’t to get the job done and use her sexuality as a weapon and… no, she’s just an irritating edgelord who swaggers about, being all evil because… why? She stuck some sneaky bloke with a stake by accident?

Bah!

Question 3 – To piggyback on the previous question, pick a character that is often thrown in F tier that doesn’t deserve it.

So it’s been a bit Final Fantasy heavy so far, and this next one is no exception.

Let’s talk about Cait Sith, Final Fantasy VII‘s most unfairly maligned character. And there will be spoilers!

Cait Sith is an anthropomorphic cat, wearing a crown and cape, that rides on the back of a giant, stuffed moogle toy/robot thing. The moogle does all the heavy lifting, whilst Cait Sith acts as the brains, shouting orders with his little megaphone. His limit breaks are all based on chance, so he can potentially kill the last boss in one hit, or else kill your whole party, as two examples.

But there is more to this odd little character. For he himself is a toy, controlled from behind the scenes by the one member of Shinra’s board of directors who isn’t an asshat, Reeve Tuesti of Midgar’s urban development team.

So he’s a double agent with conflicted morals, a cat that rides a moogle and real wildcard in combat.

That’s awesome!

Question 4 – If you could have any weapon or power from a character in a game, what would it be? How would you use it?

The TMD (that’s Time Manipulation Device, folks) from Singularity!

Imagine having a device that can rewind time, rebuild broken things and can even be used as a rather desructive weapon, it would be awesome! Car gets a scratch? Rewind it away! Your bath overflows? Rewind it back in! Baddies come around to cause trouble? Make them explode into mush with temporal weirdness!

But look out for the butterfly effect, don’t want to mess up your future!

Question 5 – And now for a break from the pace! Tell us a funny story about your cat, Salem.

Ah Salem. Big Fuzz. The Boi. Catface. And many other names which I shall not write here for fear of sounding nasty (he asks for it sometimes!)

The beast known as Salem has many stories and peculiarities surrounding him. When I first met him, he hated me. I was a new male on the scene and he was very protective of my now wife and the other cat, Chiana. But we soon made friends, I just had to grind him down a bit.

He’s a very aloof cat, spending most of the day sleeping, going to the toilet and avoiding any kind of affection. Anyone could be mistaken for thinking he hates humans. But he has a secret.

If you earn his trust then maybe, just maybe, you can be entered into his “Affection Time” system where, every night, he may deem to join you in bed, lie on you, activate his rarely heard purr and demand petting. If you are really, really fortunate he may just show his ultimate secret, his love of licking soft fabric… our poor duvet needs washing regularly unless you want to go to sleep to the smell of cat breath.

So aye, that’s the boi, and his top secret Affection Time system. Gotta love the pillock.

Question 6 – Use your imagination, and make this one fun! You’re taking a walk in the woods, and all of a sudden, the supreme edgelord himself, Sephiroth, appears in front of you with his long sword. What do you do?

Oh, bloody hell! Not bloody Sephiroth!

I guess what I would have to do is somehow withstand his opening attack (and not die like that dragon did outside Nibelheim) and then… my counter-attack..

Insult his fashion sense!

Yes, if you are regular reader then you would know that I’m all about calling out Mr. Mummy Issues when it comes to his ensemble. I bet he’d be really disarmed if I did that. Lose that coat, what are you thinking? This isn’t The Matrix! Where’s your SOLDIER uniform? Is that hairdo really practical for combat? Where do you put that daft sword when you’re not using it?

I reckon that, after a while, he might even see my point, stop being such a razor-sharp edgelord and turn his life around. Stop banging on about Jenova, Sephy mate, and get your old job at Shinra back! Bet he was on top dollar/gil there!

And that’s it! What an amazing collection of questions these were, clearly written by someone who is not only a master of cunning, but also knows me very well indeed!

I can’t wait to find out who it was, maybe I’ll edit this post once I do so I can give them the credit they deserve!

Have a lovely festive season all, don’t forget to check out all of the other posts under the #SeriouslyGeekySundays hashtag, they are all top tier pieces of writing that deserve your love!