Shart Select – The League of Thicc Bois 2020

Hello friends old and new, and welcome to the side article for yet another exciting (or awful) episode of Shart Select. Last week we talked once more about all things that go shooty bang bang in video games, from Master Chief’s Fisher Price handgun from Halo to Painkiller‘s almighty Stake Gun. Why not have a wee listen?

This time we are off to the Wizard’s Tower for a very special occasion: it’s hosting the 2020 League of Thicc Bois tournament! The lists were long and full of potential, but only 16 brave, chonky warriors made it to this, the esteemed event. Let’s take a look what the episode had in store, shall we?

What Happened This Week?

Naff all, really. Ryan overslept again, Stu and I had to record the cold intro without our surly Night Shift Vampire, but he soon cheered up when he got here, looking energetic as ever despite literally jumping out of bed and driving over. He did get dressed though, sorry ladies (and men, and anyone else who might fancy him).

Image result for nosferatu coffin
Official photo of Ryan walking into the studio…

Ryan’s Surprise:

He might have only just rolled out of bed, but our Ry-Ry Machine (his words, not mine) was ready to rock with one heck of a fun surprise this week. It was a music quiz! I would list the tracks he played for us, but that would ruin your fun when you listen now, wouldn’t it? Anyway, I won so in your face Stu, you homunculus!

Image result for jukebox
We were but slaves to the music!

The Main Feature:

This is it gang, the big one, the League of Thicc Bois 2020! Let’s take a look at the contenders, shall we?

What a bunch, huh? Well it led to one hell of a tournament, with battles being fought where the Wizard’s well used to be (past the undergrowth, between the valley, follow the smell). The well has been stretched and pounded into a lovely pit, where these battles will take place. Seriously, can somebody do some fan art of the Wizard’s Tower and environs?

thicc bois league table final

Anyway, the battles were great fun and the result might surprise you! We also had randomly selected wildcards thrown in for each battle, such as tigers, trident and net combos like in Spartacus and… er… other things. It was a true championship of the ages, you should definitely give it a wee listen.

The Wizard’s Tower

Whilst Master Phenrig and co were butt chugging cans of Stella Artois, we made the most of the peace to get our weekly games reviews out of the way. Stu considered 16 bit racing spectacular Rock n’ Roll Racing to be Thicc, very in fitting with the episode, whilst our Ryan placed Predator: Concrete Jungle very much into the OK category. I’ve decided that I’ve been nice for far too long and finally threw a game into the Trash, namely Square-Enix’s dismal Final Fantasy X-2!


Who Am I?

So, who was last week’s mystery game character? Well, it was…

Image result for untitled goose game
Honk Honk, brief mortals! It was the Goose!

Now, here is this weeks’:

“I have many skills. I can go unseen for hours, talk your ear off and smuggle boxes of cigarettes into places via my b**hole. My hobbies include wearing tight, tight clothes and m**********g in lockers”

Hey, I write all kinds of different things on this site, don’t want the normies reading what you filthy Shart Squaddies think is funny now, Do I?

Anyway, if you know the answer to this little beauty then drop a message to our own “little beauty” Stu over at @shartselectpod on the Twitters.

Well, that’s all for now you lot, go forth and multiply! Or don’t, there’s already too many humans and we’re all annoying.

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