Shart Select – Platformer Face Off – Part One

 

Hello again my lovelies, and welcome back to the written word form of Shart Select. Free of the Egerton brothers I’m finally able to bloody think, this being the inevitably disappointing result…

Last weeks’ episode was a doozy, for we decided to pit gaming’s most prolific thicc bois against each other in a bloody battle to the death! Why not listen to it right here?

So what happened this week? Well, Ryan’s fallen hard for the new Satisfactory update and has used knowledge gleaned from Comrade Legasov in Chernobyl to get his power plants working without going all out RBMK. In the meantime, Stu’s still having a pop at last year’s Call of Duty. He’s got quite good at it, putting down n00bs all over the place and 360 no-scoping… maybe? I don’t bloody know, do I?

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Ryan playing Satisfactory, he’s the one at the back…

Ryan’s Surprise

Newly crowned as “the best bit of the podcast”, Ryan launched into today’s surprise with much gusto, treating us to snippets from 5 more video game soundtracks! How did we do? Don’t ask Ryan, daft sod wasn’t paying attention anyway. And to think that he wants to make his own Ryan’s Surprise podcast, bloody nerve of it.

The Main Feature

Because we like to keep things fresh and exciting here at Shart Select, we decided to do another tournament but, in a great twist, spread it across two, yes two, episodes! This time we pit 32 of the platforming genre’s finest (many chosen by you, the listeners!) against each other in a bloody battle to the death. We’ve got Sonic and Mario, of course, joined by other classics such as Megaman, Crash Bandicoot, Konkey Dong and that one from Celeste! This episode sees the initial heats play out, weeding out the weaklings for the quarter finals!

platformers1

The Wizard’s Tower

Thank all of the deities at once that the bloody wizards were too entranced in the tourney to spot us sneaking up into their tower to review a game each this week. Sometimes I just can’t be doing with their weird voices and unnervingly shaped staffs, you know? Anyway, I talked about 2007’s Bioshock (it’s a good ‘un folks), Ryan ascended Sega’s classic 16 bit brawler Streets of Rage 2 to Wizard status and Stu horrifically tortured us all with some Manhunt talk (he actually managed to do his own review this week) before stapling it cheerfully to the Shart scoreboard!

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Who Am I?

Well, let’s start with the answer to last weeks’ shall we?

“I have many skills. I can go unseen for hours, talk your ear off and smuggle boxes of cigarettes into places via my bumhole. My hobbies include wearing tight, tight clothes and masturbating in lockers”

Easy one, yeah? It was, of course…

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It’s Solid Snake! Metal Gearrr!

And now for this weeks’…

“I feast upon death and decay, thrive in darkness and hate the light. I have a love of finding forgotten things, hang around with tradesmen and wear a cute blue waistcoat”

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You, wondering why you even listen to this drivel.

Remember, if you know the answer then slide into our DMs on Twitter right here! There are prizes, recognition or, I dunno, a thumbs up to be won!

And that’s it for this week folks. I hope we left you hankering for the second half of the platformer face-off and, more importantly, more BUS JUSTICE!

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Look at that Hollywood production value!

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