Shart Select – Gaming Mysteries & Conspiracies

Recorded by: Winst0lf, Stuart and Ryan on 8th March 2020

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Oh, cripes, it’s time for another rotten bite of the Shart Select apple again, isn’t it? Has it really been a week since Stu got turned into a Necromorph, leaving Ryan and myself to try to engineer ways of letting Gex win the Platformer Face Off?

Well, yes, thankfully, and Stu has come back too, his extra limbs handily removed by his wife, using one of those Plasma Cutters, aka the best way to kill a Necromorph!

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Oh Stu-uuu…

So, what did the week have in store for us three? Well, Ryan surpassed 200 hours lauding it over his fabrication facilities in Satisfactory (he’s got issues), Stu concentrated on his recovery and I spent all week fine tuning our Patreon page, working on various writing pieces and, once again, getting hooked on The Witcher 3, this time on the Switch (see, #notbiased haters!)

Ryan’s Surprise

This week’s surprise from our monotone, silken voiced Handsome Boi turned out to be an ensemble piece, as Ryan assigned roles for this particularly… beguiling (read, mental) AI script for the X Files! I got to play good old Dana Scully and Stu stretched his acting muscles in the role of pouty ’90s sex symbol Dave Duchovny, aka Mulder. It took…. quite a few takes to get some of the lines right, on account of it all making naff all sense! The truth is out there, but Ryan wasn’t giving it over!

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The truth is out there…

The Main Feature

It was another tournament!

Nah, not really, I’m just pulling your leg! This week we retreated back to our podcasting shed, deep in the imposing (and somehow giggle inducing) shadow of the Wizard’s Tower to think up some hawt new angles on established video game lore. We asked such questions as “what’s Mario’s beef?”, “why do wood elves exist in Elder Scrolls games” and, of course, “what the hell is Goofy?” It’s also inevitable that Ryan brings up his obsession with Tails again, the weird creep.

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He won’t be smiling when he hears about what Ryan has to say about him!

We also brought back What People Responses, the part of the podcast where you, the listener, can get your 5p in. It was a bit last second, so thanks everybody who took the time to get in touch on such short notice!

The Wizard’s Tower

This week Ryan got very upset, following a rather confusing bit of mind obfuscation by the wizards, making him wonder who was who! Are the wizards us? Are we them? Are we but a dream? Who bloody knows, not me that’s for sure!

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Anyhow, Ryan stopped getting cross for long enough to review 2004’s cult classic Vampire the Masquerade: Bloodlines, published by the late Troika, which was rated as Okay. It could have done even better, but Ryan quite rightly marked it down for its’ pure jank factor. Stu reviewed The Division 2, marking Ubisoft’s money spinner online game as Good. I decided to review Insomniac’s PS4 exclusive Spider Man as Shart, it’s bright colours, chipper hero and better-than-Arkham gameplay all factors in this decision.

Who Am I?

Nobody even entered, so sod it! It was Squall off Final Fantasy VIII, okay? God…

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Sorry mate, nobody showed up!

The Wizard’s Study

So, here is Shart Select’s new feature, in which we take it in turns, one episode at a time, to review a non-gaming piece of entertainment media from across the world! I opened up with a book review, telling my loyal friends about Abominable, by Dan Simmons. The story  is about three mountaineers who take on Everest in the 1920s, following the trail of the ill fated George Mallory and Sandy Irvine whilst looking the body of a fallen British lord. It’s got drama, conspiracy and a ton of mountain climbing and historical knowledge to check out, so give it a go!

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And that, my dears, is that. Don’t forget to follow us on all of the usual guff and check us out over on Patreon if you are feeling flush and are interested in funding our future projects!

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